* 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
* 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
* 3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
* 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
* 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
* 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
* 7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
* 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
* 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
* 10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
* 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
* 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
* 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
* 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks
into the room.
* 15. You sing along with elevator music.
* 16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
* 17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay
off.
* 18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.
* 19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
* 20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
* 21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
A NEW BOOK FOR PENSIONERS
Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
* 1. Sag, You're it.
* 2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. (I've played this one before !!!)
* 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
* 4. Kick the bucket.
* 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.
* 6. Doc Goose.
* 7. Simon says something incoherent.
* 8. Hide and go pee.
* 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
* 10. Musical recliners.
Chapter 2: SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
* 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
* 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is
using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying
you are not amused, you shoot him.
* 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
* 4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult
gives you four hours of decent rest.
* 5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
* 6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a
field trip to Chippendale's.
Chapter 3: SIGNS OF WEAR
* "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and fool
around," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
* "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment You on your new alligator
shoes and you're barefoot.
* "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
* "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your
face.
* "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.
* "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor
instead of by the police.
* "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to
take any fiber today.
* "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the
parking lot.
Erron
