John Cleese writes about alerts to threats in 2013 Europe.

Got a joke too good to keep to yourself? This is where to put it. While all the other Campfires are expected to be reasonably 'serious' in nature, this is where we let our hair down.

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Mick Smith
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John Cleese writes about alerts to threats in 2013 Europe.

#1 Post by Mick Smith » Thu Nov 06, 2014 2:53 pm

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2013 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "****** Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
There is no use focusing on aiming if you don't execute the shot well enough to hit what your are aiming at.

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The Ranger
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Re: John Cleese writes about alerts to threats in 2013 Europ

#2 Post by The Ranger » Sat Nov 08, 2014 2:12 pm

Nice one Mick.
Don't practise until you get it right. Practise until you don't get it wrong. Ranger Bows.

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Re: John Cleese writes about alerts to threats in 2013 Europ

#3 Post by Sleepy » Fri Nov 14, 2014 11:06 am

:) Cheers for posting this one Mick.

Did anyone catch the article in the paper about John Cleese a week or two back? Seems he's out here for something or other, possibly for organising another tour after completing his "An Evening with John Cleese" tour out here back in March. Which was itself a succession to "the Alimony Tour" in 2012.

Highly appropriate name for it; seems Mr Cleese was ordered by the judge to pay a slightly onerous settlement when unhitching from his previous missus to the tune of approximately 1 million dollars per year between 2009 through until 2016. Including the initial payments, all up about 23 million dollars worth.

Hence "the Alimony Tour" (and it's successive tours); he just doesn't have that last 7 million or so to pay off the settlement, and in his mid-to-late 70's he's had to go back to work to try and earn it.

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