Colonoscopy Journal:

Got a joke too good to keep to yourself? This is where to put it. While all the other Campfires are expected to be reasonably 'serious' in nature, this is where we let our hair down.

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greybeard
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Colonoscopy Journal:

#1 Post by greybeard » Sun May 04, 2014 4:43 pm

I received this email the other day, thought it was amusing.

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A 17,000 FEET TUBE UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies...
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.
In the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons), then you have to drink the whole jug.
This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurts. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really, I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in; you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
Last edited by greybeard on Mon May 05, 2014 3:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"And you must not stick for a groat or twelvepence more than another man would give, if it be a good bow.
For a good bow twice paid for, is better than an ill bow once broken.
[Ascham]

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?” [Einstein]

I am old enough to make my own decisions....Just not young enough to remember what I decided!....

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bigbob
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Re: Colonoscopy Journal:

#2 Post by bigbob » Sun May 04, 2014 4:52 pm

:shock: :surprised: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Ian Turner
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Re: Colonoscopy Journal:

#3 Post by Ian Turner » Sun May 04, 2014 6:39 pm

Hi Daryl; we met at Rob's. I know from personal experience the "joyous" experience that is the prep and the colonoscopy.
The laxative preparation they give you gives no warning of events that are about to unfold.
I can sum it up in 3 words "OH MY GOD".
After going through all that I hope all is well!
Cheers
Ian

morganp

Re: Colonoscopy Journal:

#4 Post by morganp » Sun May 04, 2014 7:00 pm

ouch, ha ha ha, ouch
- all I can say is that just 2 weeks after a bowel resection I should NOT be reading things that make me laugh ...

colonoscopies do NOT hurt
nor do resections and such nasty major operations
after all, you are unconscious at the time
its the next two or three weeks that hurt
a lot
a very lot
and you do NOT want to laugh
laughter is NOT the best medicine
thanks anyway

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Re: Colonoscopy Journal:

#5 Post by robmoore » Mon May 05, 2014 1:16 pm

greybeard wrote: On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Pleased to hear you had a good result - and your report on the procedure makes good entertaining reading...

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Bob

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rodlonq
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Re: Colonoscopy Journal:

#6 Post by rodlonq » Mon May 05, 2014 1:21 pm

That's scary stuff Daryl :surprised:

Cheers.... Rod

longbowinfected
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Re: Colonoscopy Journal:

#7 Post by longbowinfected » Mon May 05, 2014 3:18 pm

For my bowel resection they had to put my tubes for life support in while I was awake. They tell you not to panic and that you will feel like they are suffocating you but it will be all right because they will give you an injection for anxiety because they do not want you to die of a heart attack :shock:

But seriously it is all very easy when they say you have a 99% chance to die in the next year if you do not have the camera up your bum; you have a 50% chance of success [living for the next year if you have the resection and you will have an 85% chance of success if you suck up all the chemo.......truly these acts were invented so that patients would eat hospital food.

Greybeard you forgot to tell everyone how long it is before they let you eat something as seriously solid like carrot soup [while the guy next to you tucks into a lovely roast beef dinner. Then there is the fact that they give you a pillow to hold your guts in and how much empathy you develop for your wife going through childbirth / being split open and how they are doing you a big favour by making you walk the next morning and the big reward is they will pull the barbed wire catheter out and let you walk to the dunny.

Even so, nice to be looking down at the green grass rather than looking up at the brown dirt.

Loved your recap. That will help when I go in for the close angle photos and lube later this year.

Kevin
never complain....you did not have to wake up....every day is an extra bonus and costs nothing.

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greybeard
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Re: Colonoscopy Journal:

#8 Post by greybeard » Mon May 05, 2014 4:01 pm

Edited my original post.

The story came to me via email and I thought it was a humorous story, that is why I posted it in the 'HUMOUR' section.

I do apologize to those who may have been misled by this story.

Daryl.
"And you must not stick for a groat or twelvepence more than another man would give, if it be a good bow.
For a good bow twice paid for, is better than an ill bow once broken.
[Ascham]

“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?” [Einstein]

I am old enough to make my own decisions....Just not young enough to remember what I decided!....

longbowinfected
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Re: Colonoscopy Journal:

#9 Post by longbowinfected » Mon May 05, 2014 4:16 pm

no apologies needed. It was noted as being in humour. a few of us have been there and can verify how accurately funny the whole process is. If you take yourself too seriously during the process you would go nuts. My father had a few months to live with brain tumours when I was doing surgery and chemo. my family freaked at how casual we were both about it all.

more fun having a joke about it now than not.

seriously guys, do not commit senseless suicide by not getting the tests..........do them and live....the earlier you find out the better your chances.

I thought the story was great.

my wife got a little bit jealous because my surgeon was a pretty sexy young lady with a wicked sense of humour who wore very tight shirts and very small miniskirts [who I also convinced to take up archery].......what did she think was going to happen with her hands in my guts and with other doctors and nurses around? And my wife was a nurse.

Kevin
never complain....you did not have to wake up....every day is an extra bonus and costs nothing.

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Re: Colonoscopy Journal:

#10 Post by bigbob » Mon May 05, 2014 6:39 pm

As some one with a family history of bowel cancer, having these damn exams every few years is a small price to pay for vigilance and some peace of mind. Still doesn't make that vile liquid go down any easier, nor ease the ring of fire one gets from wearing a path to the dunny.
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rodlonq
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Re: Colonoscopy Journal:

#11 Post by rodlonq » Thu May 08, 2014 4:00 pm

Yer.... I noticed it was meant to be humour as well Daryl, but after reading the responses from Ian and Morgan I just couldn't put laughing smilies on the post.

However, it was very well written in good humour and without bad taste by the original author. Bonus is it has got me thinking about having a checkup as well (which I guess is the point of it).

Cheers.... Rod

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Re: Colonoscopy Journal:

#12 Post by longbowinfected » Thu May 08, 2014 4:08 pm

Very silly way to die because if they catch this one early enough you normally survive.
The s**t on a stick and send it back test can pick this one up very quickly.

Even if you have to buy the kit now....best $10 you will ever spend.....cheaper than a pack of cigarettes or three good coffees.

Kevin
never complain....you did not have to wake up....every day is an extra bonus and costs nothing.

morganp

Re: Colonoscopy Journal:

#13 Post by morganp » Thu May 08, 2014 6:55 pm

Heck, I saw it was humorous, I thought my post was too especially as I am still trying not to laugh (still sore at 5 weeks).
I had all the tests, all 'negative', even spent four different weeks in hospital after a few (10) internal infections. Of course, having the tests interpreted correctly relies on having doctors that understand english, communicate with one another and actually give a stuff. Took 3 yrs to find one who did all 3 and he operated immediately and saved my life, said I could have died three times before at least! The public health system here is stuffed, badly and irrevocably but I won't go on about it here. Jokes like this are helpful in making light of what is a dark reality for too many.

scotty2
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Re: Colonoscopy Journal:

#14 Post by scotty2 » Sat May 10, 2014 3:29 pm

the best one that doctors had heard tell my wife my brain is not up there that had me falling off the chair in stitches. i could just imagine some bugger crack that wise ass remark, how the doctor didn't hurt him while he would have been cracking up is a mystery

longbowinfected
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Re: Colonoscopy Journal:

#15 Post by longbowinfected » Sat May 10, 2014 3:43 pm

nothing but praise for my care. never cost me a cent, other than the first visit to pay for car parking.
hate to think how much the surgery the chemo and meds really cost.
It was actually funnily enough a wonderful experience........you learn a lot about yourself looking down the dark tunnel.

Kevin
never complain....you did not have to wake up....every day is an extra bonus and costs nothing.

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